And yet another year is done with

I turned 22 last week. And I wrote this while having a mini breakdown because 22 seems fucking old right now.

April 2004
It’s true what they say about post O’level life. It’s definitely the best. I love school and chemistry and biology. I love my ridiculously busy life with every extra-curricular activity imaginable. I’m suddenly on my way to being the big fish in the pond and I’ve never felt this good about school before.

April 2005
Life is good.I’m eighteen. Enough said.

April 2006
The dreaded A’levels are just around the corner. No I don’t want to do medicine. I hate my life. I hate feeling trapped and like I can’t breathe because I’m trying so hard to do what I’m supposed to. The feeling of utter uselessness that hits me every time I attempt to do some physics sum and realize that despite two and a half years of schools, and private tuition with three different teachers, I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do, or when I’m lying on bed after a long day because I feel lost, confused and alone is at a whole new high. Suddenly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. The plan no longer makes sense and I’m on this road, running faster than I ever have, and crawling painfully at the same time.

April 2007
Ecstatic. We’re (yes, it's a we now) in a good place. Three hour phone calls while I lie under the cover on my bed with the green sheets that have large white flowers, secret meetings on Saturday afternoons, driving in the green civic, my hand in his, silly excuses to see every play at the Wendt, just so I can see him.
I hate my job. It feels useless and unproductive and mundane. The ten hour work days that I loved, are a distant memory of when things were better. I simply want June to roll around so it can all stop.
I can’t wait for the new start; to finally have figured out what I want in life and to actually do it. Three months and I'll be off to find adventure and new meaning in life.
Life couldn’t really get any better could it?

April 2008
Single again and finally over the guilt of breaking up; ready to move on and start anew. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Plans to visit London and have a great summer. People I know I love and who love me in return; I’m ready to take the plunge and move-in to our house within the next year; ready to plan out the next three years in college around their lives. Home will no longer be in the house painted green and my bedroom in the corner with the pile of books on the bedside table, but wherever I choose to go with my life. Everything that used to be thrown haphazardly around the room has now been packed in boxes. I know, even though I don’t say it, that this is the last time I’ll be home. The next time will be a visit and each time after that. I’ve found my calling and I know what I need to do with my life. right?

April 2009
Alone. I’m tired of falling for people who don’t fall for me in return and not falling for people who do fall for me. Ironic ain’t it? And I know I hate being alone despite the fact that I tell everyone who’ll listen to me that I don’t like being tied down. I don’t, but I do want someone to hold hands with.
I’m tired of trying to be mature and responsible and balance work and school and earn at the same time.
Another failed internship. The third failed one so I don’t know what I want to do anymore but it’s too late to change my mind. Too expensive to experiment and figure out what I want to do.
Maybe I spoke too soon and I wasn’t ready for the plunge, suddenly, I’m not ready (even though we’ve already got the house) to move-in with them.
I've developed a crush on alcohol and I can't wait to see where it goes.